My Weight Loss Struggles–{why is change so hard?}
Apr. 24. 2012
Ah where to begin?
The title of this post says it all. Like most people I know–I constantly am working on changing something about myself. Is it bad that I am never happy with certain things about myself? Probably, but does it stop me from complaining or blaming genetics–not quite. ha.
When I was at the ripe ol age of 11, I remember spending a Summer of staying up late watching Nick and Night (I loved I love Lucy) and I would stay up super late, eating: (this is so embarrassing to admit, but dammit if they weren’t delicious) flour tortillas with a little butter (ok, ok Country Crock) on them heated up in the microwave for about 10seconds. I’d sleep half my day away because I stayed up so late eating crap and topping off my last show with Donna Reed…(my night-owlism began at such a young age!) I remember making a comment about my weight because I finally started to notice my summer “play clothes” (as my mom would call them, because I would be killed if I wore “school clothes” to play in) not fitting as well.
Photo above–me and my little brother (before I started packing on the pounds) yes, he has a mullet.
My dad said to me one time, “Ashley. You’re a Brinkman. You are always going to battle with your weight.” {There were probably a few sailor words in there, but for blog purposes, I will keep it short and clean.} Some people think it is awful when parents say things like that to their kids, but my bestie is a Registered Dietician and sees kids all day that are morbidly obese, eating double cheeseburgers from McDonalds and getting XL Cherry limeades at Sonic during happy hour. When 10mo olds are weighing in at 70lbs…that ain’t the kid’s problem…that’s the parent’s problem! I am not getting into that issue right now though.
I can blame society, Texas, my upbringings, my mom’s cooking, my genetics, my lack of sports at a young age or I can accept these things, blame no one but myself and work on them. That’s the hard part and frankly something I still haven’t come to terms with nor overcome, but I am working on it.
I have tried the following (and probably on more than one ocassion):
- Nutrisystem ( I was in Junior high, my dad did it with me)
- Adkins
- South Beach Diet
- Ripped Fuel (these caffeine pills that put me on a stretcher during Beach 2 Bay relay marathon my Sr year of HS…long story…ask me later. Aka: Jessie Spano–> what my friends called me)
- Weightwatchers
- Calorie Counting with iPhone apps
- P90x (ha that lasted two days) also have Insanity and TurboFire
- Wii with the Wii fit and Just Dance 1 and 2 games
- I trained and ran a marathon (for weight loss purposes…and a new challenge, I guess)
- Phen Phen type pills (I will probably die young of a heart attack)
- HerbaLife
- A hypnosis tape (sorta…I only heard it one time)
- Personal training (currently)
How is it that I can set my mind to do so many things and accomplish them, but not this? Is it because my goals are short enough term that I can accomplish them without making drastic changes in my life? I mean really, when I think about it–I always say, “I need to start going to bed earlier.” Does that happen? No. Maybe for a week. That whole “It takes 21 days to make a habit or break a habit” is total bologna too, I must say. I really do not believe you can do a routine of something for 3wks and it become something you do for the rest of your life. If you read back, my blog on not drinking for 25 days—that was over 21 days…and I still drink my fair share of cocktails (not in an alcoholic sense, but a social sense). Or when I was training for the Austin Marathon in college, that was 4mo of training, do I want to keep that up (hell no!), I still run about 3-4mi on average a few times a week and then a little more if I felt ambitious and signed up for a race (like the Cap 10k or San Antonio Half Marathon last year).
Photo above: College Roommate and I, night before our first marathon! (Austin, 2003)
And why is it that when it comes to change…especially weight loss, I know what I NEED TO DO…but can’t manage to actually do it? And is my reasoning excuses or a reality?
Do these sound familiar?:
- I don’t have time!
- I am not a “morning person” or “I can’t work out in the mornings”
- I am so tired when I get home from work.
- I cannot jog.
- I hate the ___insert mundane machine here (for me it is the elliptical and treadmill)
- That food taste like crap
- I am a bad cook
- I don’t have time to make breakfast every morning
- I’m not much of a runner
- My schedule doesn’t allow for me to make those changes
- It’s not convenient enough for me
- I hate the after taste of fish pills and supplements
- But I love food soooo much!/Only live once (my mentality)
- I hate putting in every calorie I ate, such a daunting task (ok maybe you don’t use the word “daunting” but you catch my drift)
Those aren’t all my excuses to why I haven’t changed, but I have certainly had several periods in life where I stop and think–Ashley, you keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results. How can I break my cycle? How can I still be happy all around?
I actually recently broke down and got a personal trainer. I said I would never get one because I work out enough and keep active, it’s the diet part (you know that 80% of what goes into your body factor). I need to hire someone to walk around and slap food out of my hand. Or cook and pack and my meals for me. Basically I need to be a super rich celebrity is what I am saying-personal trainer and personal chef?! Sign me up!
Anyway, my trainer and I were talking today and I said, “Call me a typical woman, Miguel but I am never happy. When I eat and I am social with my friends I am later mad because I chose the bad stuff, had too many chips or ate too much. When I cook at home and eat healthy I am bummed I was missing out on something, or it wasn’t fun.” He told me a few stories of past clients that were the same way. And I know this, but it is hard for me to make small life style changes. Why do I have enough self discipline to get up early and work out (even when hungover!) but not to say no to the chips on the table? Why do I have enough self discipline to work for myself and get things done, but not enough to say no to that damn cookie company in the mall? (I blame my dad for my sweet tooth–just kidding, I can’t blame anyone but me!)
I visualize how I want to be, or where I’d like to be (or some times at a point-physically-where I once was) but somehow can’t consistently manage to do those things needed to get there. And it isn’t like my life is out of wack. This is how it is going to be the rest of my life. Actually, this is the easy part when my metabolism is supposed to be great, I don’t have any kids to take care of and I make my own schedule. My friends who are struggling with weight right now all just had kids! What’s my excuse???
I have also often said–“I am going to have to get new friends.” When truth be told, no I just need to change what is making me unhappy. I would only really need new friends if they didn’t support the changes I wanted for myself, which again I am realizing can’t be drastic changes because it is just near impossible to change how you have always been.
Am I the only one that over-thinks and obsesses on my body image or quality of life. Why do they even go together? Why do I always want more for myself? Why can’t I just be content with who I am and how I look? Now, I know I am probably sounding super depressed right now, but I will say despite my frustrations in my battle with the scale, I am actually a very happy person. I still will get on a boat in a swim suit despite my negative self image and have a good time, because I do realize 1. Life is too short to care that much 2. I am not the only one with saddle bags at the lake/beach/pool, so suck it up!
My mind and body are continuously intrigued by fitness related articles, news, and studies. I will just continue to work on what I can and hopefully not have to get rid of any friends, fall off the social calendar and work on just being happy being me. 🙂 That is all.